Here are this weeks things I would have said out loud if I watched “The Bachelor” with my mom:
1. Why does Ben call Emily “Goose”?
2. There were way to many bridge metaphors being thrown around.
3. Emily, it’s not polite to talk about incest on a first date.
4. Every obstacle in life cannot be measured next to climbing a bridge!
5. I looked it up… people HAVE in fact skied in the streets of San Francisco prior to the bachelor.
6. When has it ever been 80 degrees in San Francisco?
7. Brittney needed to leave. She also needed to wash her hair. She also needed to stop saying “eXpecially”.
8. Did anyone else notice Monica sobbing when Ben gave the group date rose away? Relax, chick.
9. LindZI?!?! Enough with these spellings!
10. “Where are we now!?” – Lindzi as the trolley becomes surrounded by Asians while resting under the China Town gate.
11. Now we all know how to get into Bourbon and Branch. “A horse of course!” BRILLIANT!
12. I sincerely do not believe Lindzi’s break up text.
13. Shawntel. Again with the spelling! Had she ever even MET Ben?
14. “Courtney has a social disorder” – Emily. I whole-heartedly agree.
15. I would love it if a man took me on a date to where JFK cheated on his wife with Marilyn Monroe. How romantic.
16. Elyse seems ready to bench press a bitch!
17. Courtney showcased her maturity when she referred to Shawntel as “what’s her butt.”
18. “On a scale of one to ten, I feel like I’m going to throw up.” Best. Line. EVER.
19. Good to know that the nurse is worried that someone fainting means “they’re gonna die or somethin’.”
20. Good call on not giving out that last rose. That guy knows how to stay out of shit.
21. You ARE dumb, Shawntel.
What an episode. I must rest now.
Peace, love, and patchouli –