I Hate Teenagers.

I hate teenagers.

If you there is a rowdy group of fifteen year olds at the movie, I’m the first to shush them. Keep in mind that I see most movies solo — that will make the visual much more humorous.  I have no tolerance for their constant need to be louder than the person next to them.  I also have no tolerance for their overuse of the word “gay”.  The next time I feel like being a real kill-joy, I might just stick my finger in the air and say – “you mean his insert thing that is so-called “gay” is happy or joyous!?”  It would be a real Debbie Downer moment.  Woooomp, woooooooomp.

When I was a teenager I can remember being mortified by all of the dumb things that my friends did.  We would go to the movies and the guys would buy a bag of popcorn just to throw.  I don’t think I actually SAW a movie all through high school because I was busy being the mother hen.

I never smoked.  I never drank — with the exception of the senior prom after party.  If you’re reading this, John, you were the most epic “drunk off of 2.5 shots of peach schnapps” caregiver there ever was.  Due to my overall adolescence innocence, I have become a very prematurely crotchety adult.

Yesterday I was hiking down a beautiful trail, just minding my own business and enjoying the sun.  I saw an overlook in the distance and made a plan to stop there for a minute.  As I was walking up the path, I noticed that there were a bunch of teenagers partaking in shenanigans and taking up most of the overlook area.  They were smoking and drinking and basking in their false sense of coolness.  I decided to go to the overlook anyway because I wasn’t about to let a bunch of teenagers stop me.  That was before one of them called me a dyke.

The guy was probably seventeen and was trying his very hardest to resemble Lil’ Wayne.  I believe his exact words were “dykes be invadin’ ” — or something equally as profound. With my hair trauma wound still fresh and bloody, I was ready to rumble.  Being the mature 25-year-old that I am, I looked him in the eye and told him that he wishes he could pull off his look as confidently as I pull mine off.  I could tell he was stunned because he quickly got smooth with me and said “girl, I wasn’t talkin’ bout you, I was talkin’ bout some other people.”  Nice try, Weezy… I was the only other female on the trail with a nearly shaved head.

There is, of course, one teenager that I don’t hate.  His name is Erik and he’s my 18-year-old cousin.  He was born on my seventh birthday, which automatically pissed me off, but, since then, he’s made it pretty hard to hate him.  He’s like a little brother, only the kind that lives in another house so you have no reason to fight with him or beat him up.  He’s graduating from high school in just a few weeks and, I must say, he’s really been doing a good job at being an outstanding teenager.  In fact, just this week he received a very prestigious award from the staff at his high school.  He was named “best overall senior” by the entire faculty and also received about a billion scholarships.  If you ask me, that’s the kind of teenager that I can stand behind.

I bet Lil’ Wayne wannabe isn’t going to win any awards….

Peace, love, and patchouli –

Portland Pollyanna

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One Response to I Hate Teenagers.

  1. mom says:

    YOU’RE GROUNDED!!! And John…you are forbidden to ever date my little girl again. Drinking at the after prom…shame on you!! I Hate Teenagers!!!

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